


Between the Shadow and the Soul

by SherlockianSyndromes



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, M/M, The Shrine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 01:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockianSyndromes/pseuds/SherlockianSyndromes
Summary: I love you because I know no other way than this.An alternate version of beer on the pier in The Shrine, as well as an alternate ending.





	Between the Shadow and the Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [nagi_schwarz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz) for the beta and the ceaseless encouragement.

“How ‘bout we say goodbye now?”

John thought he couldn’t feel any worse than he already did, but Rodney’s words made his heart plummet, a heavy weight dropping into his stomach. How else are you supposed to react when the person you love is asking you to say goodbye forever?

“No.”

That was the only answer John could give. He wasn’t ready yet. He was still pretending that this seemingly unavoidable thing wasn’t going to happen, that tomorrow Rodney would wake up, the parasite would be gone, and everything would go back to the way it had been before.

“What do you mean, no?” Rodney sounded confused and a little hurt. Had he really expected John to just give up and say the words?  

“I mean I’m not saying goodbye,” John answered.

Rodney huffed, his confusion morphing into petulance. “Well, I’m saying it anyway.”

John thought it would always be like this. Always butting heads. Always stubborn. Always together. But if Rodney was going to put up a fight until the very end, John planned to fight back until there was nothing left to fight for.

Until this damned Pegasus disease took Rodney away.

“Well, I’m not _listening_.” John matched Rodney’s petulant tone

“Yeah, but, pretty soon I won’t even know who you are!”

“Then I’ll remind you.”

Rodney couldn’t win. He couldn’t be right. Not this time.

“Yeah, but I don’t want you to see me like that. I want you to remember me as I am, as your genius friend, not as some sh-”

“Not happening.”

He heard the word _shell_ dying on Rodney’s lips. John felt his head shaking back and forth erratically, his pulse quickening. This wasn't happening. Not when he still hadn’t told Rodney -

“Please.”

John wasn’t looking at him, but he could hear the genuine plea in Rodney’s voice. Like hell John was going to concede now though.

“You’re stuck with me, Rodney. Just accept it.” John’s voice fell to a whisper. There was so much he wanted to say. Was now the time to say it - when Rodney would easily forget it in the next day, or even the next hour?

“Yeah, but -”

“No!”

The sheer force behind the word seemed to shock Rodney into a momentary silence. John took the opportunity to put a real end to the argument.

“That’s final.”

John stared at Rodney, pointing his finger dramatically and trying to put on his best commanding officer voice. Rodney turned his face away from John’s and looked back out over the water of the pier. It appeared that he had decided to give in.

“Okay,” Rodney whispered.

“Okay.”

John nodded and took another sip of beer to fuel his courage, his mind racing. If Rodney felt he was far gone enough to start saying goodbye to the people he was closest to, then maybe this was really it. Maybe this was going to be John’s last glimpse of the real Rodney. He gulped the rest of his beer down and crushed the can in his hand.

Rodney idly tapped his fingers on his beer can and continued to gaze at the water. John took a deep breath. He had to say it now, or else he would regret it for the rest of his life.

“Look, I’m - I’m not very good at dealing with my feelings.”

Rodney scoffed. “Yeah, that I can still remember.”

“Rodney.” John’s voice broke as he said it. Rodney looked back at John then, and he must have seen the raw emotion overflowing in John’s eyes, because he didn't say anything more. He only blinked a few times and nodded, urging John to continue.

“I just - I need to tell you - that -”

John’s tongue tripped over the words. Where to begin? How did he explain that Rodney had been everything to him in the last five years? He’d been a teammate, brother-in-arms, hero, friend, and the man who’d stolen John Sheppard’s heart. Even after Sam Carter, Katie Brown, and now Jennifer Keller, the torch John carried for Rodney still burned. Nothing would ever change that. Not even Rodney losing his mind - or his life.

“Just say it,” Rodney said, breaking the silence.

Even now, with Rodney’s softening gaze upon him, John couldn’t bring himself to simply say the words.

Then, out of the chaos in John’s mind, words began to form.

_Rose. Topaz. Carnations. Secret. I love you._

A poem he’d learn to recite for another love, in another life. A love sonnet by Pablo Neruda. It didn’t have a title - it was just given a number. Seventeen. Sonnet Seventeen.

John looked into Rodney’s eyes - so blue, like the water lapping at the pier below them. He was waiting patiently for whatever John had to say. Without another thought, John began to recite.

“I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz, or arrow of carnations that propagate fire. I love you as one loves certain obscure things, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”

Rodney’s brow wrinkled. “John, what -”

John covered Rodney’s mouth with his hand to quiet him. Then he moved his hand away, but let his touch drift to Rodney’s shoulder and down his arm before gripping the dock again.  
  
“I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries the light of those flowers, hidden within itself, and thanks to your love, the tight aroma that arose from the earth lives darkly in my body.”

John took another breath, let it out in a slow, shuddering sigh. This was going to be the hard part. He grabbed Rodney’s hand, squeezed it tight, and forced himself to look Rodney right in the eye.  
  
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you directly, without problems or pride. I love you because I know no other way than this...”

John brought Rodney’s hand up to his chest and held it there. He could feel the tears on his face, but he had to finish reciting. Rodney hung breathlessly on his every word.

“In which I am not, nor are you. So close, that your hand on my chest is my hand.” John put more pressure on Rodney’s hand laying on his chest and took one last shaky breath.

“So close, that your eyes close as I fall asleep.” John’s eyes fluttered shut. For a few seconds, the weight of his secret floated away, and John didn’t dwell on the fact that Rodney would forget these words, or maybe even reject them.

John opened his eyes.

“I love you, Rodney.”

It was easier to say now.

Rodney stared at his own hand still pressed to John’s chest. His gaze slowly drifted back up to John’s face. The corner of John’s mouth twitched up into a crooked smile.

Rodney exhaled, as if he’d been holding his breath. He gripped the front of John’s t-shirt and tugged him closer. John scooted over until his body was pressed up against Rodney’s, their faces only inches apart.

“Say it again,” Rodney murmured.

John pressed his forehead to Rodney’s and rubbed his thumb over Rodney’s balled-up fist clutching his t-shirt. He heard his own heart pounding, felt a slight tremble in his hands.

“I love you.”

Rodney kissed him then, slow and tentative. John cradled Rodney’s face in his hands, trying to burn every facet of this moment into his memory. Rodney’s free hand curled around the nape of John’s neck and his tongue swept across John’s lower lip. John moaned slightly and Rodney took that as permission to explore John’s mouth. John could taste the beer mingling on their breath, and suddenly the truth of it all came rushing back, and he felt himself pulling away.

“We can't do this now,” John gasped, hating the words as they fell from his lips.

Rodney’s eyes grew sad then, and he nodded. “Right.” He let go of John’s shirt, his touch lingering down John’s chest. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” They were still sitting right next to each other, shoulder pressed to shoulder, arm to arm, leg to leg.

“No one asked. I didn’t tell.”

“John -” Rodney’s voice grew loud, but then he got quiet again. There was no use in getting angry. It wouldn’t change the past or the current circumstances.

John shrugged and looked away. “There was also, you know, Carter. And Katie. And Jennifer.”

Rodney reached for John’s hand, their fingers lacing together and resting on Rodney’s thigh.

“I’m sorry.”

John shook his head. “Don’t be. You’ll have forgotten this by tomorrow.”

Rodney’s free hand slid under John’s chin and tugged a couple of times to get John to look at him.

“I hope this is the _only_ thing I remember, because I love you too, idiot.”

John buried his face in the crook of Rodney’s neck, and they sat on the pier for a few more moments together. John shed silent tears and Rodney let him, the two of them clinging to each other and trying to hold onto every passing second.

“I was supposed to protect you,” John said, his voice choked with sobs, “I was supposed to keep you safe.”

“You did. You are. Know that I was grateful for that. For...all of it. Everything. The good _and_ the bad.”

John laughed, but the sound was empty and hollow. “It wasn't _so_ bad.”

“Of course not. You were there. Between the shadow and…”

Rodney’s voice began to drift away. The spell was broken.

John sat up straight and stretched, wiped the remnants of his tears away. “The soul.”

Rodney nodded, his gaze distant. John finally stood and offered his hand to help Rodney up. Rodney took his hand, stood on shaky legs, but his mind seemed so far away.

“You should get some sleep -”

“I love you, John.”

John squeezed his eyes shut, trying to blink back more tears. “I know,” he whispered, opening his eyes, “I love you too.”

Rodney smiled, but it faded fast from his face, leaving only a blank and melancholy stare. “I just wanted to say it. Before I forgot.”

They walked back to Rodney’s quarters hand in hand. It was late and no one would see.

John tucked Rodney into his bed. He turned to go, but Rodney caught his arm and stopped him.

“Please don't go.”

John nodded. “Okay. I'll grab some stuff to sleep on the floor -”

“Don't be ridiculous.” Rodney scooted over in his bed and made room for John. John hesitated, but then lay down next to him, and Rodney tugged the covers up over both of them.

They were tangled up in each other, but it didn't feel awkward or strange. It felt right.

Rodney’s eyes closed and he was soon fast asleep.

The weight of all that had happened, that was going to happen, settled on John’s chest. He was so tired, but instead of sleeping, he took the time to memorize the curves of Rodney’s face, how it felt to be lying right next to him.

“Goodbye Rodney.”

~

John laid in his bed on his stomach, his face buried in his pillow. He tried to sleep, but he’d been tossing and turning for the past few hours. His mind kept repeating a movie of all the things that had happened at the Shrine of Talus.

_Rodney’s eyes brightening when the parasite shrank. Rodney’s anger at being given one more day of normality when he would still lose his life. Rodney fading under the anesthetic. The drill. Rodney’s body seizing under his hands. The gaping hole the gun left in the floor when Ronon destroyed the parasite._

Rodney was okay now. John kept telling himself that, but his body and mind had been wound like a coil for the past two weeks, and now that the tension had suddenly dispersed, his body ached and his mind reeled.

What did Rodney remember? Did he remember anything at all from the past two weeks?

“Infirmary to Sheppard,” Jennifer’s voice crackled from behind the bed.

John felt his adrenaline spike. He fumbled for his radio.

“Sheppard here. Is Rodney okay?” John willed his voice not to shake as he spoke.

“Yes, he’s fine. He wants to talk to you, though.”

John hesitated. “Can it wait?”

He heard Jennifer chuckle. “He already told me that it couldn’t. Sorry, Colonel.”

John ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Okay. I’m on my way.”

~

John entered the infirmary and glanced around. No sign of Jennifer or Jeannie anywhere.

“Jennifer’s in her office. And Jeannie went to get some sleep.”

Rodney was sitting up in bed, a datapad in his lap. John grabbed a stool from under one of the many tables and sat it at Rodney’s bedside. He folded his arms across his chest and tried to act as he normally would.

“What couldn’t wait until morning?”

A smile flitted across Rodney’s face and then disappeared. “You know that I had Jennifer record me every day, right?”

John had seen the recordings. Had watched some of them more than once, because he apparently enjoyed torturing himself. He nodded in response to Rodney’s question.

“Well...I found one that I did myself. When Jennifer wasn’t there to ask me questions.”

John raised an eyebrow. “How’d you do that? Did you record it in here?”

Rodney shook his head. “No, it looks like I just recorded it myself in my quarters.”

John nodded, and then shrugged. “Okay. Why are you telling me?”

Rodney scoffed and held out the datapad to John. “Just shut up and watch it, please. It has pertinent information concerning you...and me.” His cheeks flushed, and John’s heart stuttered in his chest.

John brought up the video on the datapad and pressed play. Rodney’s face appeared, his eyes manic and his hair disheveled.

“This is Doctor...Doctor Rodney McKay. This is the morning of day…five. I think. Five days since I started losing my memory. Something happened and I need to record it before I forget, because I don’t want to forget it.”

The Rodney in the video paused for a breath, but John couldn’t bring himself to glance up at the real Rodney’s face.

“I woke up last night, and everyone was gone. I was scared and I went to see Lieutenant...John. I went to see John. I banged on his door and woke him up. Then we went to the pier and drank beer and...”

John inhaled and held his breath. How much had Rodney remembered when he recorded this?

“He said...he said...that he loved me, between the shadow and...the soul. It was a poem, let’s see, what else do I remember...roses and salt and fire and...love. He said he loved me.”

Rodney’s image gasped for air. John’s lungs burned and he slowly exhaled. Rodney remembered the important part, at least.

“I just want to say, and I think I said it, I remember saying the words, but...I just want John to know I love him too. John, if you’re watching this, thank you for taking me to the pier and for saying those words and...I love you too. I love you, John.”

The video ended.

John didn’t want to look up at Rodney. He was afraid of what he would see in Rodney’s eyes. But John forced himself to look up anyway.

Rodney was smiling.

John handed back the datapad.

“Didn’t peg you as a fan of Pablo Neruda,” Rodney said.

John shrugged. “I memorized it once in an attempt to be more romantic with my ex-wife. But we know how that turned out.”

Rodney didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at John with a curious, searching gaze.

John took a deep breath. “Is that all you remember?”

“No. I remember the whole night now.”

John’s eyes grew wide. “Everything?”

Rodney smiled again and nodded. “Yes, everything. The kissing and the crying and the sleeping in bed together.”

“How?” John asked, not knowing what else to say.

“I don’t know. Watching the videos helped. A lot of it is still fuzzy, but when I watched that video in particular, I went looking for the poem and when I read it...”

“It came back.” John finished Rodney’s sentence.

They sat together in silence. John was frozen with fear, unsure of what to do from here. Rodney knew his secret, but had had enough awareness to record a video saying that he loved John too. So he wouldn’t forget it.

John sighed. “What now?”

Rodney scoffed and shook his head. He laid his hand palm up on the bed towards John. John tentatively took his hand.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you directly, without problems or pride. I love you because I know no other way than this.”

Rodney spoke the words softly, but with confidence. John, used to putting everyone else before himself, asked the only question that remained in his mind.

“What about Jennifer?”

“She found the video, actually.”

John winced.

Rodney squeezed John’s hand. “It’s fine. She says she figured out how I felt about you because I kept asking for you, even after I’d forgotten everyone else.”

John remained still in his chair, holding Rodney’s hand, but processing what all of this meant. He loved Rodney. Rodney loved him. Rodney was better. There was nothing standing in the way of...

Rodney tugged on John’s hand. “Stop thinking and just come here.”

And just like that, all the weight and tension was gone for good. John stood up from his chair, leaned in, cradled Rodney’s face in his hands, and kissed him. Rodney pulled him onto the bed and John giggled in between kisses.

Rodney smiled against John’s lips. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. I just can’t believe this is happening.”

Rodney scooted over on the narrow infirmary bed and tried to make enough space for John to lay next to him. “Well, it’s happening. So get used it.”

John kissed Rodney again, then pulled back and looked into Rodney’s eyes, brimming with love and light and fire.

“I missed you.”

Rodney tucked his face into the crook of John’s neck, leaving light kisses that made John shiver.

“In which I am not, nor are you,” Rodney mumbled against John’s skin.

John took Rodney’s hand and held it to his chest, just as he had the night on the pier. “So close, that your hand on my chest is my hand.”

“So close, that your eyes close as I fall asleep,” Rodney whispered.

They fell asleep on the infirmary bed, tangled together and dreaming of the water in the pier.

**Author's Note:**

> I worked with a couple of different translations of Sonnet XVII, because I liked how certain lines sounded in one version compared to the other.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
